Friday 3 August 2012

Newt (CSM) vs Leo (Tau), 02/08/12


As anyone who knows me will know  - and without wanting to sound like a self obsessed, boorish narcissist (stick with this) -  my default setting for most things involves a grim cocktail of bitter cynicism, deliberately over exaggerated hyper-criticism and cruel, bleak negativity. Games Workshop is obviously no exception from this, as something which usually dominates my waking hours with financial planning for buying the plastic crack, colour schemes, how to use transports properly, all the usual. The modern GW business model can wear you down. Fear the annual price hike! Why are Grey Knights so hideously overpowered? The fluff isn’t as good as it used to be. White Dwarf is lame. Etc. Obviously, an unconditional love for the fluff and models in general lets you see past these poisonous barbs, and the romantic side of the hobby easily smoothes over the (relatively minor) gripes. Its still awesome, it just still has some existing issues.

However, sometimes, something happens which makes it all beyond worthwhile, something that makes you whoop and holler and spasm and convulse. That happened to me last night. A game which literally grabbed me by the balls and wouldn’t let go. An absolute motherfucker.

Obviously, most games of 40k are awesome, and are dead exciting, as much for cursing your own inept stupidity and inability to roll anything which isn’t a 1 as it is for hilariously decimating a unit of terminators with fleeing cowards. But this game was one of the ones which you remember, like the first time you had an incredible battle when you were a kid and thought “this is for me”. 

Let me explain.

Leo and I were to fight, my leprous Chaos warband facing up to his elegantly presented Tau. I’d played him before, and had edged him out in a grinding war of attrition with 5th ed, if memory serves me correctly. I looked forward to the rematch, as it seemed a good collision of styles between his brutal mid-range firepower and my limb-tearing lust for close combat. We rolled for the set up; a 6, “The Relic”, on that diagonal style deployment. I was a little wary about this mission – I’d played it in the shop against the legendary Phil Rimmer and lost by a Daemonette’s pink pubic hair, the 2 Bezerkers left in Phil’s force waving the relic about, mooning my chasing Keeper of Secrets, which was obviously wailing and licking its own tits in frustration. The relic was placed inside a building, which looked a little like a pub. A warp infused lager barrel.“No pissing about” was my tentative battle plan. Charge the fucking relic. Lets get fucking trollied on the warp-brew. Shoot any motherfuckers around it with the Obliterators. Pray the Dark Gods were watching. The game began.


A very dark, poor photograph of the Obliterator’s view of the battlefield. “Night Fighting”, etc. The relic was in that pub in the middle, there.

I had cannily (!) left a number of units in reserve in order to swamp the relic at the closing stages of the game…the Slaanesh Chaos Space Marines in the Rhino to razz around, the Berzerkers to smash some fucking skulls, the Termicide squad to terrify units for no reason, and of course my main entity, the Keeper of Secrets, the killiest, pinkiest, kinkiest, stompiest badass in the whole galaxy. The rest (4 x Obliterators, 2 squads of plagues, and the winged lash Prince) were basically cowering in cover, as I was convinced they would be eating railgun death straight from the start. Obviously, I wasn’t wrong there.


Holy shit.

Night fighting was in play on turn 1, which was some consolation for my immediate disadvantage of being way too far away to mount a meaningful assault at the start, as is right and proper. I creeped a unit of Plagues into the woods next to the pub, thinking maybe a cheeky steal on the relic. Then basically the Tau shot shit out of me. They zoomed about in a big teal and orange grav-wave and burned my scarred ass with plasma and missile pods and gun drones and all those other terrifying AP2 weapons they have. Thank fuck for “Feel No Pain”, but more of that later.


The Plague Marines desperately search for magic mushrooms. They find 5.


As Turn 2 rolled around, I though I’d lost. My forces looked pitiful, the Keeper had turned up way too early and Leo had grabbed the relic with a detached gun drone. Everything in his force blasted away relentlessly, then seemingly immediately jumped away with those jet pack assault moves. A very powerful attribute of the Tau, that – really hard to get hold of the fish things. My marines had turned up and had rapid fired his annoyingly useful pathfinders away, only to be absolutely butchered by massed Kroot fire combined with Crisis Suit missile pod salvoes. A lone Chaos-warped Emperor’s Child remained, waving the Slaanesh icon about, which might as well have had “PLEASE SHOOT ME” in neon writing on it. He probably would have enjoyed it too, etc.


Pathfinders – they’re quite good, them. About as resilient as a soggy cake, but good before they’re shot at.

Things started to turn around, though. I’d limped the remaining Plagues and the Keeper out of the woods and managed to grab the relic off the drone, and had supported that charge with the hidden unit of Plagues and Daemon prince coming with them. The plan was a reckless charge with these while the Plagues scampered off. And this would be the story of the game – me desperately hanging on to this frigging thing whilst Leo poured shot, after shot, after shot into me. The Keeper, Slaanesh love him, withstood a whole turn of the entire Tau force targeting his pink tits. Toughness 6 combined with a 2+ basic save and a 4+ invulnerable and then 4 wounds makes this one insane hardcase. But you don’t need me to tell you that. All for 100 points – utterly broken. The new codex will see that gone, as it will have to be allied in the future (245 points, I think). I’ll be doing that anyway, obviously. Anyway, him and the Daemon Prince ate several things to distract half of the Tau army from the beer keg vanishing into the distance. When they finally succumbed to 1000 missiles and plasma rifle fire shots, the end game was well and truly in sight. The berzerkers had ran on, ran towards the Crisis Suits and commander, and had been turned into a red mist. Thanks for using up some Tau ammunition, guys. You fucking bad tits. It's a shame Berzerkers have been effectively nerfed in 6th due to the new transport rules. No assault moves at all after disembarkation? Even if the frigging thing doesn’t move? Insanity. No insertion method for close combat troops remain apart from the hideously overpriced Land Raider. What is a horned one to do?

“Blood for the Blood God! Skulls for the Thr” BOOOOM ZZZAAPPPP *silence*

So I was left with 2 Obliterators rendered relatively impotent shouting in one corner of the battlefield, and 3 Plague Marines sweating in the woods, carrying a boozy relic as the Teal, shooty horde closed in. I shared their sweating trepidation. Every dice roll Leo made, I was convinced it would wipe out my pustulent green dudes. Unbelievably, every shot he made I either saved or rolled a majestic 5+ on feel no pain. I had an incredibly lucky break earlier on by the Daemon Prince wiping out the Broadsides in close combat and then pinning the Crisis Suits with the Lash of Submission meaning they couldn’t move to draw a bead on my boys in the woods in this final turn. In the end, he’d shot with everything. My fellas were still there. 

Lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, mucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky.

I had accidentally won. Neither of us could believe it. Blind luck. It can’t carry on for much longer – the Eye of Terror will abandon me at some point. But Christ, that was an absolute rush.

We all went for a drink afterwards. Warp Brew.

Name
Played
Won
Drawn
Lost
Points
Newt
2
2
0
0
6
Neil
2
2
0
0
6
Leo
3
1
0
2
3
Andy
1
1
0
0
3
Phil
3
0
0
3
0
Kev
1
0
0
1
0

Sunday 15 July 2012

40k league Week 1

40K Little League Week 1

WHY HELLO chaps, and welcome to our first instalment of our little league coverage! Its like Match of the Day but with more swearing and more awesomeness. And not on the telly, on this lame blog. And 40k, not football. 

On that hallowed day, Thursday 12th July 2012, the first raging battles were fought. Tears were shed, lives were lost, and lots and lots of frigging dice were rolled, and subsequently lost, as keen as they are to dive under things and never return, the little bastards. It was awesome. Many thanks to Leo for allowing us to come down to his gaming club to play, very much appreciated, and it would never have happened without his benevolence. To the greater good!

The battles were as follows - 

Neil (Grey Knights) vs. Leo (Tau)
Noel (Chaos Space Marines) vs. Newt (Chaos Space Marines)
Phil (Orkz) vs Newt (Chaos Space Marines)

Neil (Grey Knights) vs Leo (Tau)

Now, for Neil and I this was our first go at 6th Ed rules so we were thrust into the unknown, as it were. How exciting! Leo had had a go previously so he knew a bit more than us. I had a bit of time to kill before Noel arrived so I helped them set up the battle. A dice was rolled for the mission type - a 4, "The Scouring". To me this seems like a fancy objectives mission, made a bit kinkier by having set points values for the objectives (a 4, two 3s, two 2s and a 1) which are hidden and randomly placed before deployment. After deployment, hey presto, they're flipped and its to bloodshed to get them. Seems a good idea really, mixing up the arl objectives mission by GW. 

Night fighting in every mission is also a bit "meh" as far as I'm concerned. Doesn't really add much apart from annoying you a bit. I suppose in games terms it adds a bit more "realism" (if they can do such a thing) and protects your lids at the start, but from what I can gather most of us forgot the rules were in play once the dice started rolling and the swearing had commenced. I'll live with it, like, but, you know, whatever.

I didn't get to see a lot of this battle, but I did manage to catch this wonderful picture of a particularly dramatic moment - 

I assume that's the result of one of those Tau Rail Gun motherfuckers.

The honours eventually went to Neil and the 666th Chapter - I don't know the exact score but it looked pretty close by the reactions of both chaps. Looked like a boss game.

Noel (CSM) vs Newt (CSM)

So for mine and Noels battle, we had a bit of a smaller one, 1000 points. I took my mixed bag of vanilla marines, Plague Marines, bezerkers, Oblits and (of course) the lash prince - its funny to think at how much of a fluff player I was a couple of months ago (STRICTLY SLAANESH) to the brutal reality of needing different types of dudes on the battlefield. Anyways, Noel had a pretty similar set up, spiced up with an incredibly imaginatively modelled Chaos Lord with a Khorne Daemon Weapon (he had the bottom half of a scorpion, fucking METAL), a lash sorcerer (the old Noise Marine model brilliantly painted! ENVY), plagues, bezerkers and havocs. To my eternal shame I didn't take any photos of the battle - I was too wrapped in the game. What a tit. My apologies Noel, will get a few snaps of your boss models next time.

We rolled a 2 for the mission type - "Purge the Alien", which is the old Annihilation in every single respect apart from its name. Is right, we both thought, no better mission for the blood guzzling Chaos hordes, fuck all of that objective bullshit. 

It was a pretty close game if I remember - I managed to get the "First Blood" secondary mission objective (these secondary missions are boss and add a lot to the game, I reckon), and we both got slay the Warlord (those new Warlord traits are bit redundant, from what I can make out). In the end, though, I managed a couple of lucky shooting and combat phases and ended up finishing off Noel's warband. A good game though, and the first time I've had to endure the annoyance of getting lashed - a taste of my own debauched medicine. Kept my plaguers out the battle.

Phil (Orkz) vs Newt (CSM)

So after my victory, I was ready to charge headlong into the next one, covered in blood and all that business. Phil's Orks would be a completely different proposition, however. For a start, it was a bigger game, 1750. I tarted up my list with that absolute sex beast, the Greater Daemon of Slaanesh (or a Keeper of Secrets to old arses like me), another unit of vanilla CSMs, more oblits, and that strange beast, the Defiler. More on that spidery nonce later. Phil's list was genuinely terrifying to me, someone who hasn't fought orks for...

hmmm...

17 years. I could have had a child. For a start, there's always a billion of them, and he had 3 killa kans and a deff dredd, incredible models and absolute fucking raging monsters in battle. Also, he had about 20 Nobz in a massive unit with his Warboss, who would obviously roll 2,400 dice on the charge.

We rolled a 1 for the battle, Crusade, which is the old Objectives mission, you know, d3+2 primary objectives, you always roll a 3, that one. "Oh shit", I thought. My frail pink and pustulent line holding on to bits of scenery against the whole baddie cast of Lord of the Rings. I hoped my Slaaneshi pack had ingested an awful lot of drugs.

"Hey! There are only 15 Chaos Space Marines to my 30,000 orks!"

Well, as it went, my first round of shooting went OK, destroying a Trukk. Of course, that big gangly tit the Defiler ran out, spunked his Battle Cannon somewhere idiotic like a tree, and then promptly got cut apart by the screaming green horde. i don't understand the people who swear to me I must have one in my force when they literally get killed in Turn 1 in every battle.

Then this BIG FUCKING GREEN TIDE TSUNAMI'D OVER THE BOARD. I got lucky - my keeper of Secrets showed up and butchered the Nobz and Warboss after the unit had been weakened by the old lash/obliterator combo. I was gobsmacked. The Keeper is ferociously brilliant.

Of course, he didn't hang around in the physical plain for long. Phil sought retribution and whipped his kinky pink ass to the warp with his Deff Dredd, but only after Keepy had immobilised him. This was genuinely one of those "cinematic moments" they bang on about in the new rule book, and it was boss.

Would you like to dance?


Once the Orks showed up to my objectives, I had genuinely thought it was game over. They are amazing in combat, sheer weight of dice. They butchered these idiots who were huddled up next to a wall.

They were probably having a communal piss, the perverts.

However, I accidentally exploited the greatest weakness of the ork codex, and subsequently the biggest handicap for ork players...they have no bastard armour. 6+ saves in a game like 40k were most ranged weapons are at least AP5 just seems broken to me. These are orks, for Christ sake. Not Tau. 

So, the game finished with me rapid firing a lot, and my berzerkers heroically having off a late charge from the Killa kans to hold an objective to eventually see me run out an 8-6 winner. A brilliant game, and I still can't quite believe I came out with a win. If Phil had been luckier with getting his deathstar unit of the nobz and warboss down my throat, he would have won. End of.

******************************************************

SO, there you have it. Andy Crabtree and Kev Walsh, yous two have a game and let me know the outcome!

Here is the table...





Name       Played             Won    Drawn       Lost                   Points
Newt2 2 0 0 6
Neil 1 1 0 0 3
Noel 1 0 0 0 0
Leo 1 0 0 0 0
Phil 1 0 0 1 0
Kev 0 0 0 0 0
Andy 0 0 0 0 0



Death to your false Emperor! Glory to Chaos!